Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
