My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
