I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
