I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
