Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
