So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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