i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
