I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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