Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
