Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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