I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
there is glitter all over my balls
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