Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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