I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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