I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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