I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
