at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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