Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
