I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
