I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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