I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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