I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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