Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
