I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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