hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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