i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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