My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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