my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
