I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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