Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Text me some of your sweat
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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