I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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