Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
