no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just had sex bonerless
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
