He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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