I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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