This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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