New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
