So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
