actually, I'm a sock model
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
