Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
