my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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