if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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