mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
