I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
