# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
