Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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