How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
