I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
