Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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