I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
