my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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