I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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