You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just invented taco cereal.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
