it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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