after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
