at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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