i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She even gives head with a lisp.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
